Lack of pizzazz and all that jazz…

So here’s the thing. I’m currently feeling a bit despondent and demotivated about the research proposal. Am I really prepared to commit the next 10 years of my life to this research without knowing beforehand if I’m actually going to contribute anything?

If I embrace my current line of reasoning, it will take me 5 years just to get all the data in a format that I can use. And then I have no guarantee that I will even find something interesting or worthwhile.

I’ve already spent 2 years reading and investigating possible topics worthy of research, and twice I’ve identified topics that I then later found somebody else had already registered. It’s like running races in grade 1. Not quite the last one, but definitely at the back of the pack. How do I get myself to the front of the pack? I thought reading more of the newest books available would help. But you know what? Books take about 3 years to get published. By the time the books get to me, it is old news already. Besides, I do not simply want to rehash what everybody else have already said. I need some inspiration. I need something with pizzazz… if I’m to devote 10 years of my life. My son will be finished with school by then!

Speaking of lack of pizzazz: I also want some for taiko!

Hubby and I have experimented with our own brand of Karataiko, doing some Funakoshi Karate International grading forms with a beat. We did our first performance at the opening of a dojo in Grabouw [Sensei Sanette wrote about her dojo here: Nerve-wrecking stuff; In your face… and Awesome experience twice in one day] and kids came running when they heard the drum to see what was going on. Even though people complimented us, I could not manage to silence the self-criticism.

And after seeing Alex – visiting Taiko teacher – play, I feel even more aware of how very basic my attempt is. And of course, instead of acknowledging to myself that I am, after all, still a beginner, I want to be playing an intricate piece with flashy showmanship and the skill of an expert player (and I wouldn’t mind the muscles either).

I am bugged with feelings of “I am not good enough” even though, as far as I know, it’s a first for Funakoshi International and a first in South Africa. There is no one I can compare myself with, and still I find myself lacking?! How’s that for logic?

Oh and then, I saved the worst for last: Do not make wild statements in public. Ever. You’ll be tested and you’ll have to eat your own words…

I publicly stated that I’ve found something that I love more than chocolates. And although I still consider this statement to be true, I have, since making the statement, also consumed large amounts of chocolates, brought home by hubby from his first overseas trip. (After I told him not to bring any, by the way. I’m trying to think of something I REALLY want, so I can tell him NOT to bring it when he goes for his next trip…) 🙂

I suppose my negative mood, despondency and demotivation might be due to a sugar low and the accompanying feelings of guilt. I would like to blame everything on the chocolates, but nobody forced me to eat it. Where’s responsible choice when I need it?

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. sanette
    Feb 15, 2011 @ 15:39:50

    Thanks for the promo! 🙂
    And stop beating yourself up and put the ugly stick away! You know we all feel despondent at times………key words AT TIMES.
    I personally think you are way to intelligent! To want to dedicate your life to research is amazing in itself and I have great confidence in your ability to astound us with the topic and subject matter, once you find something that can keep your intillect busy for 10 years! Love you girl, good luck!

    Reply

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