Acting As If: How to have your cake and eat it too, or: What to do when your secrets are out…

Most things in life are complicated. Like this being open to life’s challenges thing. I get it – to be open to new experiences is a good thing. Novelty is the antidote to boredom=unhappiness.

But being open about me and what’s going on with me is another kettle of fish altogether: People might not approve, some people might be interested or might offer suggestions, they might even care, but they might also realise that I’m not perfect. Ooh, and we wouldn’t want THAT, now would we?

But being open about my struggle with weight and my desire to do a PhD – that I think was not such a good idea.

I managed to lose 6 kg when nobody knew I was Weight Watching. Since I’ve come out of the weight closet: nada, nil, nothing. Gain some, lose some, but in effect staying the same. Previously I could eat my cake and just count the points. Or I could say, “No thank you, I ate too much already”. No big issue. Now, because I know people know I’m on Weight Watchers, I think they’re judging me and therefore I judge myself because I dare eat cake. Now, when I don’t want cake, I find myself explaining: I’m on a diet, I’m weighing soon, etc.

I’ve been working steadily towards the PhD goal since 2009. And I did encounter obstacles in the process before “being open” about it. (After a year’s work I got a nice topic, only to find that somebody else has already registered it and had a head start of 3 years.) It threw me for a loop, but it didn’t matter quite as much, because it wasn’t public knowledge and most people learned about it after the fact. Now, people regularly ask me how it’s going, which is nice, because I’m not as isolated anymore, but also terrifying, because you don’t have anything new to tell them since the previous time they asked… I’m suddenly much more aware of my half-a-step-forward, two-steps-back routine.

 I think in certain aspects, I operate best in secret mode. But as the “secrets” are already out, I’m going to engage in Acting As If (something I learned from Joyce Brothers in Positive Plus – the practical plan for liking yourself better; a tool that could be dangerous in the wrong hands). I’m going to act as if nobody knows I’m on WW and therefore I may eat what I want, when I want it, AND sticking more or less to WW principles, because nobody knows, OK? I’m going to act as if the answer I’m giving in response to enquiries about my research proposal is not exactly the same in content as the previous response. Or maybe I could bore them with the minutest detail…

 Maybe it would not be such a bad thing for me to be aware of and thankful for the small steps that have been in the right direction. “I’m still working on it” is a truth that people could interpret as negative, but that’s their problem, right? I’m still giving small steps (relatively) consistently in the (sort of) right direction. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Focus on the process: sipping is better than gulping…

Do you know that MSWord shows you your most recent documents when you click on the round button in the top left corner? I have 17 documents listed. Even though someone (who shall remain nameless) is supposed to be working on her research proposal, that research proposal document is not one of those 17 documents listed…

Oh golly, miss Molly. The research proposal has been on vacation for more than a week now.

I battle with thoughts like: “Ag, so what? What for? Who am I to think I could have something to contribute?” and then of course, the dreaded What if’s? “What if I’m wasting my time? What if I’m wasting money? What if I never finish?”

I read a book about the human body to my son the other night. It referred to Santorio Santorio who, for 30 years, weighted himself, everything he took into his body and everything his body discarded. I thought to myself: “Why would you want to do that?” I’m sure I’m not the only one.

But then I googled him. In addition to “living” on his weighing chair, this man also discovered the thermometer and pulse monitor and is considered to be the father of quantitative research. Who would have thought?

I am tempted to have visions of grandeur … you know, that one day people would be able to see the value of my research even if most people, and I, wonder why I spend my time on it. I’m not quite sure that I’m prepared to devote 30 years of my life, though.

So I did what I often do in times of uncertainty. I sought solice in books and I got some apparently conflicting “messages”:

You have two choices: to be invisible, anonymous, uncriticized, and safe, or to take a chance at greatness and uniqueness… – Seth Godin The Purple Cow – paraphrased

and

When we take our time, we have more of it… – Victoria Moran Living a Charmed Life

 Maybe they are not conflicting messages but rather two sides of a coin. Maybe I should be concentrating more on the process than the product: sip it slowly like fine wine and not gulp it down like cheap beer…